1. Never ever parallel park on the street no matter what part of the country you're in -- there's bound to be a park-by-crunch Easterner who just has to have the space in front of your car, and there goes your grill surround at least, and probably the grill itself and the shapely sheet metal flanking the grill -- and these days, with YTVs* everywhere, the headlights will probably be smashed too.

2. It is OK sometimes to park at the end of a block, or where a driveway or fire hydrant will keep some idiot from parking in front of you, thus backing into your 1800's nose. It is only OK to park at the end of blocks, etc., if the municipality has marked fairly long parking spaces on the pavement and you're in a part of the country where people actually try to park between the lines.

3. Door dings are preferable to crushed noses or rear bumpers shoved into quarter panels, however:

• Never ever park next to a 2-door Caddy, Linclon, Oldsmobile, Buick, T-Bird or or similar vehicles with 12' long doors.
• Never ever park next to a beat up anything.
• Never ever park next to a VW bus of any vintage. (Ever look at the lower aft corner of a VW bus door? Now think about that being banged into the top of your front fender by some liberal intellectual clod who thinks there's status in ignoring automobiles and even greater status in abusing them -- theirs and yours. If the driver's not an intellectual, chances are he/she's stoned. The result is the same.)

4. Whenever parking under trees or tall buildings with flower pots on 4th-floor windowsills, look up and make sure a rotten limb or teetering flower pot is not directly above your prized 1800.

5. Never ever park in lots or on narrow streets opposite cars likely to back out of spaces into yours (remember, the style is for huge asses on new cars and their drivers have no clue where their rear-end is nor their cars', nor what's within 20' of their rear bumper if it's smaller than a Peterbilt).

6. In parking lots, never ever pull into a space where there fewer than two concrete "elephant turds" separating facing spaces (See first law of 1800 parking). Protect your 1800's nose at all times. If you truly care for your car, you would never back into one of those spaces either. The solution: Park only in spaces along the perimeter of the lot where your car is nose to a curb or grass, or at least be sure a light pole separates your car from the space opposite in case an 88-year-old widow with something on her mind pulls into that space.

7. Always assume the worst will happen when parking in public. This is far cheaper than body work.

8. Never overestimate the intelligence and wakefulness of anyone you don't personally know well.

9. Whenever forced to park in dangerous proximity to another vehicle, jot down its license number, make, model and paint color in case you return to find damage to your 1800 matching the bumper height, door shape or paint color of the suspect vehicle.

10. When stopping at a light in a line of traffic, leave most of a car-length between your 1800's nose and the vehicle ahead, and note which way is best to go if emergency vacating of your spot in line suddenly seems prudent. Keep hands on the wheel and the shifter in first until at least the first three cars behind you are completely stopped. That way, if getting rear-ended seems imminent, you can crank the wheel and shoot out of the way. Same rules apply when driving in stop-and-go traffic or on particularly mean streets.

11. Do not tolerate tailgaters riding the rump of your 1800. Either shoot them or simply move over and let the idiots by.

If all these laws seem like a hassle to you, sell your 1800. Or, keep it and abide by them -- in mere months, they become second-nature and life can be mellow again. At worst, you'll walk a few steps further to where you need or want to be, and I'll bet you can use the exercise.

(Actually, these laws apply to 122s and 444s, 544s and B210s as well.)

* YTV = Yuppie Terrorist Vehicle (aka "SUV")

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