Everyone's heard of selectable "driving modes" which are offered by several automobile manufacturers. If the driver of a particular car wants to save fuel, or is just "buzzing around town," he is able to switch the car between various driving modes to either increase the performance or economy, depending what the situation calls for. For example, the "Economy" mode might electronically limit certain aspects of the car's transmission shifting characteristics, resulting in increased gasoline mileage. Likewise, if a driver wants to forego conservative fuel consumption and "let 'er rip," he could easily switch into the "Performance" mode which translates into more spirited driving and handling.

Car makers applied this technology to various components of the car, including the transmission, the engine, suspension, or a combination of any or all of them. Personally, I always thought these selections were like the crosswalk buttons you see on intersections. "Press button to cross." Yeah, right. I suspect those buttons aren't even hooked up to anything. They're just put there to give you something to do while you wait for the "Walk" light to appear. It's all just a big psychological sham.

A lot of car owners are not aware, however, of two driving modes that most cars already have. Dealers are not quite aware of these driver-selectable modes either, so you'll be hard-pressed to hear about it on the car lots. In fact, most drivers themselves are not aware that their cars even have this option in the first place.

And you don't have to press a button, nor do you have to flip a switch, in order to go between the driving modes. The choice to change the car's output can sometimes be a subconscious one. Moreover, all cars have these modes, it just takes a while to find out you have them and when and where you should employ each mode.

I discovered this little-known option on our 1990 740 Turbo wagon while my wife and I were running errands around town recently. After I had spent an obscene amount of time, (and even more money) replacing this and that, tweaking various components here and there, and generally messing with everything that the Swedish engineers had taken years to develop and perfect, I ended up with a surprisingly quick and nimble family wagon. I was eager to showcase this newly-found performance and handling to my wife during our drive and proceeded to "show" her what her car could now do.

"Why the hell do you have to drive like that?!?" came the response.

"Well, like I told you," I said, justifying my high-speed cornering. "I wanted to show you how the car corners with the new springs and shocks."

"Like I told you before, I don't want you driving like that when I'm in the car," she replied, turning to look out the passenger window, clearly disgusted with my Andretti-esque antics.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Call it an epiphany, call it divine inspiration, call it a fluke. Whatever it was, the whole picture was now crystal clear everything now made sense. My car has driver-selected driving modes!

The two modes, the A-Mode (which stands for "Alone" Mode) and the S-Mode (which stands for "Spouse Mode") are best used during certain crucial times of an automobile trip. To assist those who are unaware of the differences, I've outlined some useful ways to employ these two modes, and their respective benefits and liabilities.

The A-Mode is much more spirited, pulls away from stop signs like you're coming out of the traps on the 1/4-mile, corners like the car is on rails and gets you to your destination much, much quicker. The A-Mode also humiliates certain BMWs, most Acuras, and almost all of the Rice-Rockets. The drawback of A-Mode is the terrible gas mileage and the extended turbo cool-down times (which pretty much negates the fact that you've arrived at your destination five minutes quicker).

The Spouse Mode, on the other hand, is best used while accompanying the wife on shopping trips, car pooling and showing the in-laws around town. Through lengthy testing, I have found that the S-Mode extends the life of tires, the turbo and the sanctity of the marriage. The S-Mode also allows the driver to continue to sleep in the master bedroom and results in continued meal preparation, warm fuzzies and smiles all around. Conversely, the A-Mode, used unwisely, brings an eerie silence to the house and a halt to all domestic duties formerly done by the wife. On a sadder note, in some cases, all Volvo driving privileges are suspended until the requisite apology is performed and a promise is garnered that the brick will remain in S-Mode from now on (wink, wink nudge, nudge).

The A-Mode, if used too liberally, results in frequent tire rotation and periodic contributions to the local constabulary. The latter is particularly damning if the wife is the in charge of the family's Accounts-Payable department.

"What's this $104.00 check to the City of Multnomah for?

"Uh um , speeding ticket." comes the reply.

"That's it, give me back the keys to my car!"

Furthermore, it is interesting to note the profound effect these modes have on the general public. Whereas the Spouse Mode results in a long string of expletives being ejected from the mouth of the driver (under the breath, of course), the Alone Mode usually results in long strings of expletives ejected from the mouths of other drivers.

Finally, the S-Mode supports the public's ill-perceived notion that all Volvos are slow, traffic-jamming slugs, relegated to the same category as garbage trucks, city busses, and chicken-hauling semis, which must be immediately overtaken. In comparison, the A-Mode results in open-mouthed stares and utter disbelief from onlookers. "You were beaten by a Volvo?!?" (snicker, snicker).

I'm glad to know that whatever car I purchase in the future, whether new or used, will come standard with driver-selectable driving modes. Of course, if you're a Yugo owner, besides the myriad other things that are broken on the car, it will seem as though you can never get it out of the S-Mode.